Dad...missing YOU

Today I am sad.I miss my dad. I often think of him and miss him horribly. I miss all things Daddy. His Hugs, his smile, his loud voice and laugh, his presence, but I miss his encouragement the most. He was MY cheerleader...my support...he always had "my back". I could always depend on him. It's been almost 9 months.... I'm very grateful that I do have the memories of him in my head but mostly in my heart. God, you are my heavenly Father. I used to get hugs from you through my earthly Father... among other things. You used my earthly father to show me YOUR love..your unconditional love.... like nothing else. Thank you Lord, for giving me such an amazing man... there will never be another "MOE" but there are definitely parts of "MOE" that are still here.... I have his loud laugh and JOY, Gregg has your leadership and Joan has your strength... actually, we all have your strength...and stubborness. :-) Kiana has your caring heart, Luke has your love for all things military, Logan has your playfulness. I miss you. I miss everything about you...but mostly your hugs.

Memories of Moe-Mosquitoes

Last night my daughter Kiana freaked out when she saw a "Daddy Long Legs" flying around the family room- not so oddly enough, when I was little, they freaked me out, as well. I wasn't afraid of the typical snakes or spiders, but I was afraid of mosquitoes, knowing that they stuck their proboscis through your skin and literally sucked blood out of you!

Many times when I was young, would I be awakened in the middle of the night to a buzzing in my ears......unfortunately, they liked my blood so I was the one who would always get bit! I swear they would track me down, flying around or over Gregg and Joan and find the one with the sweet blood- ME! I always believed it was all the candy I ate (and still do).

When I would be awakened by the incessant buzzing in my ears, I would sit straight up in my bed and immediately run (in the dark) down the hallway to my mom and dad's room, where I would wake up my snoring father..."Daddy, there's a mosquito in my room", which he knew meant that I would not go to sleep until he killed it. I could either sleep with mom and him or he could sleep in peace by killing the little insect. He had to do this many, many times for me.

He would turn my light on, kill it and all would be fine in my world.......

miss you Dad.

Embracing the Hurt~ Feb 23, 2010

"How are you doing?" is what most people ask me knowing that Dad has been gone for about 2 weeks, 13 days to be exact. Of course, my response is, "OK, hanging in there". WHERE? Hanging in there, you know where, it's NO WHERE. Actually, I am swinging from here to there, but don't even want to go into detail- most people ask to be polite.

Swinging from "everything is ok, or going to be ok" to "wow, he is actually gone, my Daddy is gone". My Marine friend told me once that Marine's have a saying when things suck, you ....."Embrace the Suck". I call this embracing the Hurt, because yes, it does suck, but it hurts way more than I thought it would.

The Hurt is a dull pain, low energy and feeling like you have the flu without the runny nose and diarrhea....and it just comes and goes...hurt, no hurt, I don't know when to expect it, but it's there more than it isn't. It also likes to join it's friend, cry and no cry which alternate during the day. And most of us have had broken hearts, but this is deeper...unless of course your spouse or boyfriend passed away.. then you know what I mean.

Every day is a new day and as I continue to receive emails about how others have passed, I do find comfort in knowing a few things-

Dad died the way he wanted, with his children holding his hands and his wife and sisters at his bedside, and yes, he was at home.

Dad also died very peacefully and more importantly- painlessly.

I've heard of other stories where there was no peace and there was pain....that for sure would not give me peace!

Dad believed in God and had accepted Jesus into his heart. This gives me a peace that surpasses all understanding- and a hope that yes, someday I WILL see my Daddy again! I am rest assured in my Hurt, that Dad is pain free in the company of the Big Man upstairs- that he is waiting patiently for Mom and the rest of us to get there so he can welcome us with his Big Moe Hugs!

Love you- Dad

Moe's Funeral Feb. 9,2010

Hi Friends-
this will be the final post from me regarding this blog. Whether you were at Dad's "Celebration" or not, I will be filling you in on what happened before his service and my personal thoughts on the day. If you were at the funeral, parts of this may be redundant, but I want to put closure on this blog and thank those of you who let me know that they actually read it! I thought there were just 4 of us! :-)

Picture this: Dad passes away Tuesday evening at 7:07 p.m and his body is removed from their home around 9:00.
Wednesday morning mom calls the Mortuary for an appointment to set up the service and preparation of dad. They do not have an appointment until Thursday morning, so in the mean time we begin discussing the service, who will speak/share and what we thought Dad wanted for this special day.
Aunty Chiyo is assigned the Caterer, and we begin talking about the program, etc. At this time, we are hoping Rose Hills has Saturday available even though we know the chances are slim-
Thursday morning, Gregg, Joan, Mom, Rev. Mitchell and I meet at Rose Hills to go over the plans.
We are told that there is a very strict time limit for the chapel we wanted so we talked about using another facility- Evergreen Baptist Church is one suggestion. By God's grace, Joan was able to speak to the secretary and get the time and date we wanted. (Side note, I knew that I wanted the service to happen as soon as possible, but I felt physically resistant to the availability, like I really didn't want the finality of Dad's funeral so soon, even though I knew it was better. Mom later said she felt the same way.)
After we nailed down the date and time ( a 4 1/2 hour meeting) we raced home so that I could grab a bite to eat and return to the Mortuary with Dad's discharge papers from the Marines so that they could request the Honor Guards.

When I returned, I went with mom to order flowers and get that taken care of.
While we were thinking about the program and pulling Dad's old pictures someone mentioned how nice Ruby Miho's program was, with pics of the family, etc. I think Mom asked Joan to call Darryl and he came over that night with his friend Ken, took many pics and created Dad's beautiful program for us!!! It was awesome! Thanks, Darryl and Ken.
We did feed them well before they left and had some laughs, too.

I think we had decided that Gregg, Joan and I would also share some personal thoughts about Dad. We promised we would all keep it short and upbeat- I hope we succeeded. We had two days to come up with something for Dad...how do you condense 45 years into two pages, 14 font?

Friday I got the call from Rose Hills that the Honor Guards would be there and of course, I cried. It meant so much to Dad to be a Marine- he was so proud of that and I knew that was one of his wishes. Meanwhile, Joan, Gregg and I are still working on our little talks....

Saturday we arrive at the church and there are people there already standing outside! I wasn't ready to look at anyone yet. I didn't want to start crying before I even walked into the church, but it was inevitable. The Service Coordinator was there, and most of our helpers for the day were already there. Mom was doing pretty good- but I think Joan and I weren't sure how we were doing.
Russ was also there and I could tell he had already been crying. His eyes were puffy and his head was down when we were walking up to the chapel. He was going to give Dad's history as well as a personal eulogy. He had know Dad longer than anyone of us kids and he and Dad had other experiences than we had with Dad. They were close and this was difficult for him, I know.
When the Honor Guard walked out of the sanctuary, I lost it. I met the Senior Officer and thanked him for coming ( tears were included for free). He said that it was his pleasure to serve us and that Dad deserved it for serving our country. Wow......that was humbling.

Before our family went into the chapel, Rev. Mitchell gathered us together to pray over the day and to bless our family, then we proceeded into the chapel.

The program was changed because the protocal for having the Honor Guard there is that they are first, then we followed the rest of the program. It was surreal for me. I've attended my share of funerals, usually sitting 5-10 rows back watching the service and the family. To be in the front row of this funeral was strange, dad in the casket was strange and the fact I couldn't see everyone behind me bothered me.
Russ spoke, Aunty June spoke, both doing amazing jobs, then our turns came. I know we were all nervous and we actually were able to hold it together pretty good. The rest of the service was also truly awesome. Eileen sang "The Prayer" song and Rev. Mitchell tied Dad's reoccuring "7s'" into his meditation and prayer. I loved it and appreciated the work that Rev. M must have put into it. It was very personal and applied directly to Dad's life and passing- THANK YOU REV. MITCHELL!

When the service was over and people started coming to hug us, it was surreal to me. Most I knew, but every person came by to offer a hug or condolences.....I was exhausted by the time we headed over to the reception.

I aplogize to anyone who I did not get to say 'hello" to. Some of my girlfriends had another funeral to go to and I realize we got there an hour after everyone began arriving.

The food was good but the company was better- it was neat to spend time connecting with everyone there. Some people we haven't seen in many years.

When we finally went home, I had nothing left. What a strange feeling- overly tired and overly exhausted!

We came back on Sunday and I had even less energy than Saturday...but it was nice to spend time with Dad's sisters and other family members. Maybe I am rambling because at some deep level I DON"T want to end this blog because that is finalizing Dad's passing- his death and his new beginning. I have an emptiness in my heart- Dad took a piece of me when he left and I want it back. I bet everyone is feeling a little of that too.

I love you, Dad and will have that empty place in my heart until we are reunited again- it is saved just for you.

Jan

Moe's Service- Update Feb. 11, 2010

WHEW! After spending 4 1/2 hours trying to finalize Dad's arrangements, we have a place and time.
Dad's service will be held this
Saturday, Feb. 13th at 10:30 at Evergreen Baptist Church in Rosemead. The address is 1255 San Gabriel Blvd., Rosemead, 91770.

Immediately following the service, we will be having a reception at
Montebello Plymouth Congregational Church in Montebello- the address is 144 S. Greenwood Avenue, Montebello, 90640

PLEASE join us so we can share some of the memories that we have of Dad, Grandpa, Moe, Uncle Moe, and Coach.
We would all love to see you there-
Jan

Feb 9, 2010 Good-bye Daddy!

Dad got everything he wanted.

He spent the last 5 days before he passed seeing many family and friends. There was a constant flood of people coming to see Dad and sharing some great stories with all of us. He was the center of attention and stayed responsive until the very end, smiling and nodding to us.

Towards the end of the day- sometime after 5:30 he began to get agitated so my mom asked that we keep his room more quiet and have just a few of us in his room with him at a time.

Around 6:00 Gregg, Joan and I sat with Dad holding his hands and we did notice his breathing began to become more shallow, so my mom, his sisters (who came from up north) and the other family members also gathered around his bed. We put on his favorite songs on, and sat around him quietly. His breathing got slower and more shallow as the time went on and finally at 7:07 he ceased breathing. It was peaceful and painless. It was like a clock that was running out of batteries and just stopped - no stuggle, no fight.

We all feel very blessed to have been there with Dad to help escort him into heaven. Because he was so loved, there were many people who shared numerous stories about my dad. There have been a lot of tears, but mostly laughter as we all recalled the funny memories we have of my father.

He loved people and we have many "Aunties" and "Uncles" and "cousins" that weren't really blood related to us, but were family just the same.

Thank you for coming out to say good-bye to our father, husband, brother, uncle, grandpa, and friend to many. Also, to those of you who missed out on knowing Big MOE, but have sent your love and support to Joan, Gregg and Mom and I, thank you! Your thoughts and prayers have supported our family through this and we are eternally grateful for the help you have given us, and especially our mom.

We will be meeting with the mortuary tomorrow morning to go over his service and are hoping and praying that we can have the service on SATURDAY. It will be at Rose Hills in Whittier.

I will repost when I know the details, but until then- thank you, gracias and arigato!!!!
Jan

Coming Home to Go Home ~Feb. 6, 2010

Being in the home you grew up with always comes with lots of memories. We actually haven't been here in a long time since our visits to Dad and Mom (Grandma and Grandpa)have either been at a hospital or the nursing home, so it was a little strange.
Dad's in the living room and Mom got a 24 hour care giver. A RN came by to discuss the medication that the hospital had recommended my mom administer and it was quite a list. After going through the list we had a chance to talk with her about some of the signs that can tell you that his time is near.
He's looking past us...not answering all of the questions....sleeping a lot...and is so very thin. (I hate weighing more than him. )
On the up side, he smiles occassionally and winked at me today while a tear ran down my cheek and appears to recognize everyone that is here and gave a big ol' smile to Kiana. She is broken hearted like her mom.
He does seem more peaceful, which I said in the last post.
The RN said that he is showing signs that it may be soon- 48-72 hours and went over the "comfort kit" for Dad should he need it. I think he may have told Mom he saw Henry, one of his old Coffee Buddies that passed a few years ago.
I will end on a funny story that Mom shared with me today. You all know that Dad was so funny- when Dr. Schwarz had to put a throat catheter (sp?) in his neck on Monday they took Dad to another room for the incision. He told the Dr. "just don't cut off my penis". I laughed because even today- Dad has such an awareness. Aren't we all so lucky that we had the opportunity to know him? He loved people and showed it. He never judged someone by how they looked and was a friend to everyone even though you could be very intimidated by his size ( 6feet, 200 pounds) . And he was a shining example of generosity- with money, smiles, hugs, encouraging words, and his time. There will never be another Moe! Love you Dad~ Jan

Going Home- Feb 5, 2010

I have been in Dallas for the last 5 days and got back yesterday. Before I left, we had a family meeting with the doctor to discuss Dad's next step. He had two choices, he could fight and work towards gaining enough weight to be able to go through the procedure for his heart or he could pretty much say he was done trying and would go home- at that time, he told the Doctor that he "wanted his legs back" which we thought meant he wanted to fight. You know how stubborn he can be, so I wasn't suprised.
Well, to make a long story very short, plans had changed while I was gone.
Dad came home today- I saw him at the hospital before they brought him home and he looked good- at peace and happy. He smiled at me and seemed lighter, happier.
Joan and Mom came later and we were able to catch up-
I do have to admit that I cried like a little girl when I saw him ...he's very thin, weak and doesn't have a lot of energy. I do know that when I talked to him about "coming home", he smiled. He smiled a lot actually, more than I've seen him in a while.

Mom got him a 24 hour care giver and we want Dad to be as comfortable as possible.

Friends and family are welcome to visit ANYTIME- and I would recommend stopping by if you have a chance-

Dad is where he wants to be. He is at home.

Mom's Update January 28, 2010

Just want to update everyone on Moe. We were disappointed on Monday, Jan. 25th to learn that Moe is not eligible for the heartmate. However, he is responding to "dobutamine" taken intravenously to help his heart to pump better. He was moved to the North Tower Room 6018 from the ICU last night at Cedars-Sinai. We're taking one day at a time. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers..

January 27, 2010

We had a family meeting on Monday at Cedar Sinai where Dad is in the ICU unit. Dad looked good, better than he has been. His eyes were open and he was aware and present when I walked in, but I must say that I was suprised at all the tubes and needles connected to him.
They have him on a feeding tube to hopefully have him bulk up. If/when he adds more weight he will have better chances at being a candidate for the heart procedure that we were hoping he could have.
We all met with the head doctor and a social worker and Aunty Mimi also attended. It was a tough meeting....we talked about how this is Dad's decision and HE has the choice whether to go another fight for his life or if he wants to throw in the towel. The doctor spent a little time with Dad and Dad told the doctor he "wanted his legs back" and he wanted to hold his children's hands....
please continue to pray for my father- that he is able to gain weight and continue to get stronger if that is what HE wants. I have never seen someone with so much fight in him......what an inspiration .......or is it pure stubborness??? Love that guy....thanks!

Jan. 21, 2010 cont.

Mom just called me to update the info on Dad- he had an angiogram today and everything looked fine- no blockages. His numbers are better and they are giving him medication to help get rid of the fluid.
She said he is still kind of low energy but hanging in there like he does!
thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

Jan 21, 2010- Happy Birthday Dad!

Happy Birthday to DAD!
Here is what Mom put in an email last night-

Dad was admitted to Cedar Sinai today. Room 6S48. No visitors from 7-8 a.m. and 7-8 p.m. during change of shifts. No outside food or plants. They lost no time. They ran tons of tests and inserted the catheter with meds to be fed intravenously. He is very very ill, and it is too early for them to make any decisions about the procedure. The gps got me there with this address. 8700 W. Beverly Blvd, LA 90048.
God is so good and I started counting my blessings starting with Aunty Mimi at my door, finding rooms and places, parking spots, and clear and fast freeways coming home. We're asking for prayer that the doctors make the right decisions. They are doing everything they can for him right now.
Mom

Jan.17 2010

Dad has been so blessed to have so many visitors- Mom said that Kathy Morimoto, the Funatsus, Aunty Mimi, Stacy and Mrs. MOrimoto, Robert (one of his coffee buddies) visited on Saturday and today, Aunty CHiyo & Uncle Gerry (thanks for bringing Mom lunch!) Joan and the twins, Scott Hirotsu and my family visited to celebrate Dad's birthday which is really on Thursday. Mrs.Grosser sent Ding-Dongs and party plates, napkins, a sign and hats for Dad's birthday. Kiana made cupcakes for everyone and then Mom took everyone to the ice cream parlor for some ice cream. Scott and I stayed with Dad. Dad was pretty tired today- asked Joan if Mabel took a train somewhere and came in and out throughout our visit.
Mom said that they appt to go to Cedar's this coming week.

Jan. 14, 2010

Gregg called me to let me know that he spent some time with Dad on Tuesday. Mom stayed home since she wasn't feeling well. She spent the day taking it easy which is what she needed.
Gregg also let me know that Dad will be admitted to Cedar's Sinai next week sometime. I believe that he will be preparing for his procedure-
Joan saw Dad last weekend and the Niimi's visited.
I wonder how this is going to go and what we can expect from the outcome as far as a "better quality of life". Part of me doesn't want to get my hopes too high but I am hopeful that this procedure will IMPROVE his life....
He is such a special man- loved by all, especially his family!

Monday with Moe

I visited Dad yesterday and when I got there he was asleep, as usual. He had the tube for oxygen in his nose and his breathing was very deliberate. When I visit I usually say, "Hi, Dad!" so he'll know I'm there and also to wake him up. He was wearing a white t-shirt and looked up at me to say "hi". I think he said something like, "I'm glad to see you". His speech was clearer and he looked at me and smiled. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was ok. During the first hour , he would occassionally wake up. When he did open his eyes and look around, he commented about his skin looking brown and then he also spoke of "someone" writing a book about him or making a movie about him or the marines.
He livened up around 10:30 and we watched "Overhaulin'" which is a show where they refurbish old cars. He watched (off and on) two episodes.....
Mom said Dad is going to be moved to UCLA this week to prep him for his procedure but didn't know exactly when....

Latest Update: January 9, 2010

I saw Dad yesterday and he looked good. He was happy to see me and asked about John. "Where is John", he asked. I told him that John was at work because it was Friday. During that first hour or so as he lay in bed dozing in and out and when he did wake up would tell me that he wanted to go for a walk, then he would quickly close his eyes and doze off. After the third time he told me he wanted to get up, I called for the staff to help me get him into his wheelchair but by the time they arrived, he was back asleep.

Uncle Yogi and Aunty Joy came to visit. They have been family friends since forever! We laughed and Uncle shared some funny memories of Dad...mentioning that he has always been helpful to every and anyone (this I already knew) and how much he loved people. Thank you, Dad, for being such an amazing example of this..... he smiled as Uncle was sharing...

Uncle also brought up that Dad had numerous cars. I remember the beige VW, the green station wagon, the station wagon w/the brown wood sticker down the side of it, the dune buggy (one of my favorites) the van, the motorcycle, the Z, the pickup, and the two vans. These were just HIS cars.....

Next week Dad will be admitted to UCLA to prepare for a procedure that will help him have a better quality of life- my mom can explain the details but we are very excited about this-